Part II:
A Recipe for the Future:
Three + One at a Temperature of Dialogue
January 17, 2021
Last time I talked about the figurative temperature of dialogue in order to move forward with understanding, unity, and prosperity–in families, schools, and society. In the events since then, the need for lowering the temperature in discourse has never been greater. I hope and pray that we can do this, and trust that the ingredients of what I call the “three + one” can be a catalyst for taking us to new heights. So what are these ingredients?
Three + One
The Three come from the Norms of Collaboration.
(check out www.thinkingcollaborative.com for resources and tools),
The One is the context around which these Three play out–being in Rapport.
Rapport lays a foundation for the Three.
Please note: This is largely an excerpt from Let’s Put the C in PLC: A Practical Guide for School Leaders.
Costa and Garmston provide a full and scientific description of Rapport—I simply define it as being in relationship with another person. When you are in relationship with another person, and they are in relationship with you, each person is comfortable. This rapport manifests in certain conditions that begin to emerge: one of which is the mirroring of body language—a powerful nonverbal source of communication.
Individuals who are in rapport will have similar body language—if one person uses large arm gestures, the other person will do the same; if one person is leaning back in their chair, the other does the same; if one person is sitting cross-legged, the other person does the same.
Please note the use of the word “mirror,” not “mimic.” Individuals who are in rapport with each other are naturally mirroring one another. It’s not a gimmick or a game, but a natural outgrowth of being in relationship. Hence, if you want to build rapport with someone, a key place to start is the nonverbal communication method of body language. Notice it. Notice their language and tone. And then strive to quickly get into rapport with them by mirroring their movements.
If you’re interested in learning more about non-verbal skills, visit Kendall Zoller’s site:
Pause, Paraphrase, Prompt
In addition to the nonverbal “plus one” of rapport, there are three specific moves for building relationship with individuals that Costa and Garmston describe: Pause, Paraphrase, and Prompt.
Pausing in dialogue with someone is exactly what it sounds like: pausing. People need time to think and to process. Give them the gift of that space by simply pausing.
In society today, people are bombarding us all day long with this problem or that issue. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t immediately jump in with your solution. Instead, give them space to think—five seconds will usually suffice. When you give people the gift of space to think they will come up with far better solutions than you ever will. Give them the gift of space, of silence. Pause. Take a breath. Then you can encourage them to take action and commend them for their thoughtful solutions.
For a great, short, and impactful article on this subject, please see Inc:
Intelligent Minds Like Tim Cook and Jeff Bezos Embrace the Rule of Awkward Silence. You Should Too
A second powerful move that you can make is the Paraphrase. Though we don’t typically know at first, many times people simply want to be heard. Nothing more and nothing less. The process of paraphrasing for another person allows them to know that they’ve been heard and understood. This communicates to them their value as a person, as well as their value as a professional.
When paraphrasing, Costa and Garmston counsel to avoid the term “I,” as in “I think I hear you saying.” Instead, use stems like, “So you’re thinking that…” or “You feel as though…” or “You’re seeing this….” This implies that you must be paying careful attention to the speaker so that you can accurately paraphrase. And the paraphrase cannot be contrived or shallow, but, rather, a sincere acknowledgment of the other person’s concerns/needs and reflection back. Finally, the paraphrase should not be longer than their statements—it’s not about you; it’s about them.
A final action is that of Prompting (or sometimes referred to as posing a question). Used in combination with pausing and paraphrasing, it can be helpful to building relationships.
Again, rather than jumping into a person’s thinking, prompt their thinking (typically after engaging in a paraphrase). Pose an open-ended question; or ask for more information on a specific point; or ask for a clarification of key material; or ask for their opinion on how to move forward. The process of prompting will allow the other person to feel valued and heard, to dig deeper into their own thinking. They can talk through what they already know and come to their own conclusion.
My Experience with the Three + One
Colleagues have shared with me the power of these three moves in my own leadership. Over my career, I have directly supervised a number of principals, teacher leaders, teachers, and administrative assistants.
I purposefully use these moves by allowing them to fully share issues under consideration. Instead of jumping in with my own thoughts, I intentionally pause and think—typically moving my eyes away from theirs to signal my thinking (and sometimes accompanied by an intentional movement of my body to also signal this thinking and find out if we were in rapport). Almost every time, they pick up and start talking more about the issue, further clarifying their own thinking and possible outcomes.
After that initial pause, I regularly paraphrase the issue and/or their thinking around it. The response is either a confirmation that I “had” it, or them expounding further. If they expound further, another paraphrase may be called for.
More often than not, my question is typically along the lines of, “Given what you have shared and your expertise in this area, what are your hunches about how we might move forward?” This many times results in them pausing and then identifying one or more possible solutions to move forward.
What colleagues have shared with me over the years is that, because of these actions, they felt trusted by me and, therefore, had trust in me, as well. They contrasted my handling of our meetings with the handling of other colleagues and supervisors and particularly noted how trust was completely absent from those other interactions. In other words, utilizing these skills allowed us to build trust, have rapport, build capacity, and, most importantly, put the “C” in PLC.
So What?
If we are to improve our schools, better relationships are foundational. If we are to have better relationships, dialogue plays a primary role. And if dialogue is to be present, we must engage in certain behaviors to create that climate. I propose that the Three + One will go a long way in doing just that.
Try them out and see what you think! And keep trying, because, since it’s likely not part of your current operating procedure, it will be uncomfortable.
The changes will be worth it.
Actions/Questions for Reflection
The next time you’re at a public restaurant, notice the people around you. Notice those who are in rapport and those who are not. Notice, for example, the couple, both leaning into each other with arms up on the table. Notice those who are not in relationship, and you will notice people who are not mirroring each other’s body language.
One way to “test” if you’re actually in rapport with someone is to shift your own body—arms, legs, or otherwise—and see if the other individual follows. More than likely, if you’re in rapport, the other person will follow your lead within five seconds or so. If you’re not in rapport, they won’t follow and you need to continue to strive for rapport by mirroring them.
- As I try these Three + One practices, what am I noticing about myself?
- What am I noticing about others?
Do you have a story you’d like to share?
Comment below
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