Going Along to Get Along...
Or Not?
September 5, 2022
My work tends to revolve a lot around leadership practices and skills, and especially non-verbals associated with effective communication. Of course I do a lot of PLC stuff–and in coaching educators, my slant tends to be around interpersonal dynamics.
You may notice that one of three scenarios tends to play out in teams:
- A well-oiled machine. All voices are heard, decisions are fully supported, and teams move forward by implementing (and then reflecting on) their decisions.
- No one dominates, and no one acquiesces. Instead, it’s all tension, all the time. High interpersonal and other conflict is the norm.
- One person tends to dominate the conversation, decision-making, etc. The rest simply go along to get along.
Of those three scenarios, the first is clearly the one we want. Unfortunately, options two and three tend to be more prevalent than we want. So how can we help make option one become the norm?
Genuine Concern
There’s a quote from President Teddy Roosevelt: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” While many times directed toward adult-student relationships, it applies equally to adult-adult relationships. Showing genuine care and concern for others goes a long way toward increasing effectiveness.
While we may THINK that we are demonstrating concern, it only “counts” if other people feel this care. So how can we do this?
It starts with listening. Listening to understand.
If we suspend our own judgments, assumptions, and opinions, it becomes much easier to listen to others. Instead of becoming judge-y, we can re-state the perspectives of others. This not only helps the other person feel heard and valued, but it gives your own head and heart a chance to digest their thinking. By re-stating (some might call it paraphrasing or summarizing) the other person’s thoughts or feelings, you are internalizing their perspective and better able to move forward. And this demonstrates concern.
Get Curious
The wise Carolyn McKanders will often state that when you start to feel furious, get curious. This means that we are aware of our emotions and then make an active decision to inquire into the other person’s thinking.
To inquire means to be curious about the other person, to seek to better understand their ways. It means that we are humble in setting aside our own ways in an effort to see their side. And it means that we are striving to learn, to grow, and develop as people, partners, and teammates. While it will take repeated interactions to grow a sense of professional collaboration, keep going. Don’t give up or give in!
Next Steps
The challenges of being on a team are many. Going along to get along won’t improve team functioning. Demonstrating care and getting curious about other’s perspectives will.
Chad's Rib Review
August was a busy month with lots of travel (and ribs!). Here are just a few of the highlights:
Smoke’n’Ash is a Texas and Ethiopian barbecue fusion place near Dallas that is absolutely amazing!!! It was featured on CBS Sunday morning, and the ribs that I had had great flavor without the need for any sauce whatsoever. The smoke flavor was incredible, and the potato salad was fantastic.
Big Al’s in Des Moines was maybe the best ribs I’ve ever had! They were St. Louis-style spare ribs–which have more fat than the baby back, and therefore more flavor. A lot of places “say” their ribs are fall-off-the-bone, but this place truly was–every time I tried to cut the ribs into smaller pieces for my wife and I the bone just fell out. The flavor wasn’t as smoky as Smoke’n’Ash, but the pork flavor was amazing and the meat incredibly tender.
Everett and Jones in the San Francisco area also had great flavor and decent tenderness. The barbecue sauce was maybe one of the best I’ve ever had. Plus, the service was friendly, and a full meal $13.50 couldn’t be beat. That included five ribs, potato salad (which was OK but not amazing), and bread.
Questions for Reflection
- In what ways do you demonstrate genuine concern for others–so that THEY know that you care about them?
- How might you increase your listening skills to ensure others are heard and valued?
- What support systems might you need to be able to achieve this?
