Your Most Powerful Strategy and Tool: Dealing with the Unimaginable
June 1, 2022
My family had the opportunity to attend the musical “Hamilton” this past weekend. I had seen it on Disney+ with the original cast, and, quite frankly, went into the show expecting to be slightly disappointed. I was not. The live performance was masterful and moving.
One particular song is especially poignant: “It’s Quiet Uptown.” If you’re unfamiliar with the song or lyrics (or even if you’ve heard it a dozen times), check it out here.
After the tragedy in Uvalde this past week, the line that punched me in the gut was that “they are going through the unimaginable.” Unimaginable.
And, yet, here we are again witnessing the unimaginable.
Moving Forward?
I don’t pretend to have all the answers, or even any of the answers, that afflict society today.
Guns.
Armed teachers.
Mental health.
White supremacy.
Social-Emotional Learning.
Historical analysis.
Cancel culture.
The list goes on, and I have my opinions on each of these.
This space is not for that. What I’d like to share with you is a strategy and a tool that I have found to be the most powerful and effective in building relationships, removing barriers, and resolving conflict. Maybe if more of us used this strategy and tool we could move beyond debate and into understanding, unity, and action.
Listening
I’ve heard it said that the good Lord gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason–so we would listen twice as much as we talk.
Easier said than done.
Many of us are “fixers” and want to solve problems for others–to offer solutions that might work for us. Or we like to connect others’ experiences to our own and share how “the same thing” has happened to us (NEWSFLASH: it hasn’t!). Or we think we need all of the details and go all Perry Mason on them with questions about detail after detail.
Unfortunately, in many cases, none of these approaches help.
What DOES help is listening, and the most powerful tool to assist you with listening is…
The Paraphrase
People want to know that they’ve been heard. Saying “I hear you” or “I understand” doesn’t communicate that they’ve been heard. Re-stating what they’ve said (both cognitively and emotionally) helps them to feel heard and understood.
A simple “So you’re frustrated that…” or “So you would like to see action around…” or “So you’re excited about…” or “So you’re experiencing…”
It doesn’t take long (and should not BE long!), but it captures the essence of what they were saying.
And if you get it “wrong,” they’ll correct you. Which is a great confirmation that you need to listen more closely!
The Unimaginable
Tragedies remind us of our common humanity and connectedness.
May the strategy of listening, coupled with the tool of paraphrasing, help you to better connect with others.
And, in so doing, we can help each other move through the unimaginable. And, maybe some day, prevent the unimaginable.
Questions for Reflection
- How might you go about improving your listening skills?
- What situations might you explore to intentionally apply paraphrasing to increase your skill, capacity, and identity as a listener?
Do you have a story you’d like to share?
Comment below
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